i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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