I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
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Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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