I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
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So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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