He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
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cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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