I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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