Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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