I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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