I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
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i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I want a musical about memes.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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