Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
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Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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