I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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