We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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