i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
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I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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