Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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