I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
time to smoke my breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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