I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize