i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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