So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
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I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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