so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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