I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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