Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
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Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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