I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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