He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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