I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
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I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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