I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
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well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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