he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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