my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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