Im at strip club and am horny
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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