So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
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just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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