I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
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Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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