Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
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Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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