i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
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The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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