dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
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And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm too high and old for this...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize