I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
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She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
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