his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
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I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
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I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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