bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
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I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
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Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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