he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
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I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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