what day is it and did you see me today?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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