Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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