I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
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that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
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Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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