Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
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Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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