just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
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This show inspires me to have sex in space
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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