plz talk dirty to me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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