He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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