I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
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On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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