im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
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I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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