Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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