Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
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Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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