you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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