Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
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Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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