my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I forget how to act sober
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